The following information was, er, borrowed off the various album jackets and used here to inform you of the alter biographies of various members of GWAR, as well as their arch enemies.
Name: Oderus Urungus
Nicknames: Orderus Aroundus, "Party Pants", The Irish Kid
Age: 28 (million)
Home Planet: My moldy war frame was purloined bit by lumpy bit from ghettos across the galaxy. I was assembled in syntho womb 5 on the planet Scumdogia Height,Weight: Variable
Favorite color: Urine
Turn ons: Hulking war machines, lurking, public urinals, flesh sculpture, bandying about my flaccid poop-root, collecting colons of the damned
Turn offs: Women without acne, peace, families, unsullied pantaloons, law enforcement personnel
On a date I like to: not go
Favorite celebrity: Myself, Carl Panzram
Ambitions or Goals: To view the shattered boiling mass of planet Earth from outer space, rapidly disappearing from sight
Accomplishments: There is nothing to be proud of
Quote: "Those who trumpet their sufferings are usually most deserving of agony"
Priminister of the sinister, Oderus has a brain transplant before each show. Tortures thousands just by opening his mouth. Takes drugs seriously. Golden-throated crooner of impossible gaiety and Chaos-thug supreme - proud owner of the tri-prong scrotal mount.
Name: Beefcake the Mighty
Instrument: Bass
Age: How Rude!
Home planet: Cholesterol
Favorite color: Blowfly blue
Favorite T.V. show: Man Glance
Favorite movie: Terms Of Endearment (or anything with Meryl Streep)
Last book read: Ulysses, James Joyce
Last book written: New Testament
Hobbies: Turd surfing, golf, onanism, peeping
Last raped orifice: The famous 17th island hole at Sawgrass, or Dan Feather
Favorite celebrity: Paul Lynde
When I get mad: I "take 10" - count to ten for a timeout
Dream or Goal: To one day be known as "The white Gary Coleman"
Philosophy: "If at first you don't succeed, take sleeping pills"
Accomplishments: My work with NAMBLA What shames me: My work with NAMBLA On dates I like to: Apologize
Quote: "I only wish that you, the peons, the lowly zit-ridden scum of outcast prepubescence so recklessly misspending the treasures of youth could truly understand my utter disdain for you as I look out from my lofty perch of immeasurable fame and opulence"
Beefcake is 299 tons of unadulterated sensitivity. "Certainly the bass is the gentlest of all instruments...especially at full volume." Invented music by stretching dinosaur guts across the Grand Canyon.
Name: BalSac
Alias: The Jaws Of Death
Instrument: Guitar
Age: Pi x 10^2 1,000,000
Date of birth: My birthday
Home planet: Ennui
Height: Taller then Oderus
Weight: 12 tons fully dressed; 98lbs in a towel
Eye color: ?
Favorite color: Fusha
Favorite T.V. show: The Preview Guide
Last book read: The Tailhook Report
Last book written: The Kama Sutra II
Hobbies: Contemplating suicide, learning to like myself
Last raped orifice: The car of a GWAR fan
Favorite celebrity: God
When I get mad: I contemplate suicide
Dream or goal: Learn to like myself
Philosophy: "If all else fails, contemplate suicide"
Accomplishments: Getting out of bed this morning
What shames me: Me
On dates I like to: Contemplate suicide
Quote: "I am so very, very sorry"
BalSac writes songs by scratching his scrotum with his guitar. Prefers quadriplegics over blondes. Invented V.D. and has a bear-trap for a face.
Name: Flattus Maximus
Age: Unknown
Date of birth: Tomorrow
Home planet: Planet home
Favorite color: Brown
Favorite T.V. show: Barney
Last book read: Cant read
Last book written: Cant write
Hobbies: Hooked on Phonics
Last raped orifice: Lives in Dallas
Favorite celebrity: Gor-Gor
When I get mad: I fart
What shames me: Incontinence
"The Armored Clown", Flattus attributes his explosive guitar-style to a strict diet of vegetarians. Often the brunt of cruel jokes, to which he replies with devastating farts.
Name: Jizmak da Gusher
Instrument: Drums
Age: Old enough to wipe my own ass
Height: Almost tall
Weight: Almost fat
Eye color: Crimson
Home planet: The wide world of sports
Favorite food: Goat toast
Favorite Beverage: Beaver Slurpee
Favorite Color: Clear
Favorite T.V. show: The price is right
Favorite movie: Goodfellas
Last book read: Autobiography of Spuds MacKenzie
Last book written: Dog's Digest
Hobbies: Clubbing, BBQ, Cleavage, Pretending
Last raped orifice: The Popes nose
Favorite celebrity: King Kong
When I get Mad: I smash, squash, beat, pound, crush, slam, and pass out, much like the blackout of a violent drunk, upon awakening, I forgot why I was mad
Dreams or goals: Daydreams, 137 goals
Philosophy: Live until you die or live as long as you can live
Accomplishments: I ate the whole thing
What shames me: Having soiled pants
On dates I like to: Ramajama
Quote: "I wish people would leave me alone"
The recently dethawed Jizmak became master of the "great beating machine" after the horrible death of former GWAR drummer Nippleus Erectus.
Name: Sexecutioner
Age: Unknown even to self
Home planet: Eros (located in the Genital V System)
Favorite color: Black
Favorite T.V. Show: Wings of the Luftwaffe
Last book read: The Rosetta Stone
Last book written: Fantastic Four Issue #84
Hobbies: Death, Sex, cooking, brian surgery, proctology, human sculptures and tap dancing
Last raped orifice: My navel
Favorite celebrity: Charles Nelson Rielly
When I get mad: I ejaculate on old ladies
Dreams or goals: To destroy all life on this planet
Philosophy: Sexistentialism
Comments: "I cant wait to get off this planet and start sexterminating more sentient life forms"
"I got all bases covered" says Sexy whose hobbies also include anal impalement, necrophilia, and distilling goatloads.
Name: Slymentra Hymen
Instrument: Scissors
Age: A woman never reveals her own age unless its a lie
Date of birth: I don't celebrate birthdays, they're something I'd rather forget
Home planet: Coelltisphere, A warrior queen zone
Height: I tower above thee, when you're down on your knees spit shining my boots
Weight: None of your business!
Eye color: Green-eyed lady, eyes are the mirror of the soul
Favorite color: The color of a freshly devoured body
Favorite T.V show: Let The Tube Be Broken
Favorite movies: Santa Sangre, The Fourth Man
Favorite drink: The blood of a young boy
Favorite sport: Man Juggling
Favorite hobbies: Flesh kneading, setting traps for man's ruin, gossip, stealing your boyfriend, man hatred
Last book read: The story of an eye, Georges Bataille. Recited to me by a young slave-boy who became too embarrassed to continue
Last book written: Setting Myself Up To Fail; Total Ego Press 347BC
Last raped orifice: My own
Favorite celebrity: Mozart
When I get mad: I simply displace my aggression on the nearest available whipping boy
Dreams or goals: To heal the planet, but since that's a lost cause, to be on a planet of strong, independent women with no men around to cock-block me.
Philosophy: A creature of terminal vanity, I love myself. What shames me: I don't understand the question
On dates I like to: I wouldn't know - men never ask me out. My beauty and intelligence terrifies them. They fear an emotional and spiritual death at the thought of union. Cowards!
Quote: "There is no better way to know death than to link it with a licentious image"
My sponsor: "Full on Flow" Tampons
Slymentra likes chopping off heads too - dickheads. She also has a few 'tips' of her own about who's boss.
Name: Sleazy P. Martini
Age: Thir...None of your business!
Date of Birth: 6/6/56
Home planet: Oith Height: 6'6", plus 2 feet for hair
Weight: 150, plus 50 pounds for hair
Symbol: $
Eye color: Green, what else
Favorite color: Green, what else
Favorite T.V. show: The Peoples Court
Favorite movies: The Godfather, Meanstreets, Scarface
Favorite drink: Happy Time wine
Favorite food: KungFu malt liquor
Last book read: How to manipulate friends and intimidate people
Last book written: Ditto
Last raped orifice: The collective anus of the buying public
Favorite celebrity: Myself
When I get mad: I get even
Dream of goal: There is no number large enough to quantify that kind of money
Philosophy of life: It's a bitch for everyone else
Accomplishments: Fingering Cher
What shames me: Ditto
On dates I like to: Get sucked for 12 hours
Quote: "Suck it up"
This paragraph features most of the GWAR enemies throughout the years, in alphabetical order. In fact, it's not just enemies you'll find here, but also some kindof half-enemy characters.
ANTON REEMCOB:
A censorship dweeb that was going to replace GWAR on their "America Must be Destroyed" tour with the techno band 'Prestige'. He is supposed to be a FAMOUS writer. Anton can be traced back to the very beginning of GWAR.
He either was a disembodied head with breasts (just a representation of him, as Sleazy describes him) that got blasted away, or a gigantic humanoid bug... who also got blasted away.
BAD BIKER BITCH:
Former girlfriend of the Redneck and now main squeeze to GWAR lead singer Oderus Urungus. Her claim-to-fame was bearing the offspring of her and Oderus on stage. But Oderus being the good daddy we would think him to be, couldn't wait and ripped the baby out. Too bad. The baby died but it did make a good snack. But on the Bitch's more recent appearances she just complains about never getting any attention - To which Oderus responds by chopping off her tits. She attacks with the deadly double-edged dildo.
BEEFY SECURITY GOON:
On the "America Must Be Destroyed tour", a particularly big, beefy, and ugly concert security goon made his way up on stage to do a little crowd control. GWAR showed him who was in charge by ripping his guts out.
BOSS GLOM:
Boss Glom is the head of GlomCo, an organization bent on GWAR's demise through media-maniacal disposal. Boss Glom's plan was to reinvent GWAR into nice cartoon entities and to pay Sleazy to kill off the real GWAR members. GlomCo's didn't want any of the real GWAR members destroying the image of their cutsie "new" GWAR characters. In Sleazy's refusal of the plan, a battle ensues between GlomCo guards and GWAR. Boss Glom then reveals his true identity as he escapes to his super secret lab. Boss Glom was merely Skulhedface in human disguise.
CARDIDAL SYN:
In the year 1999 (okay, actually 1996) the comet Ragnarok is believed to be approaching and the end of the world is near. As the earth prepares for its end, we find out that it is actually Cardinal Syn coming to enslave our world. The giant holy robot and his followers fight GWAR and after he meets his defeat, we find that inside his massive robotic body is the alien mutant monster baby, whose soul was used to power the robot.
Note: Like Gor-Gor, Cardinal Syn is also a very early character dating back prior to "Hell-o"! He has appeared in old comics and films and made some appearances on stage, but has not been featured in one of GWAR's major worldwide tours until recently.
CHERNOBYL COCKROACH:
Similar to the Ant, there was also a giant cockroach that was one of the band's early enemies. It was green and mean, and was killed by a huge canister of "Nuclear Raid".
C.I.A.:
Called Cerutti Fancypants, he trained The Morality Squad in combat so they wouldn't be defenseless when going up against GWAR. No special powers, but he packs a dangerous gun collection.
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT:
Superhero grandson of the hideous Granbo. Dressed in his Captain America uniform, he is the one who stole the Cuttlefish from between the legs of Oderus in "Phallus in Wonderland." Filled with muscles, but they can be a drawback too, as they are easily ripped right off the chest. He is always accompanied by Private Parts (cf.).
DR. D.BILL.ADATED:
The Morality Squads own mad scientist. He created Tiny to take care of GWAR. Needless to say, his plan failed. Tiny was destroyed and the doctor got his face squashed in. It seems that he acquired the crutches once used by Granbo. These crutches, when pulled back, release a dangerous collection of spikes into its victims face. Apparently he seems to be inspired by Dr Strangelove from the Stanley Kubrick black comedy "Dr Strangelove, or: How I stopped worrying and loved the bomb".
EDNA P. GRANBO:
A couple of years ago an organization was formed that is more dangerous then all of the enemies above: The Morality Squad. The sole purpose of this group is to rid the world of GWAR forever! Granbo is the leader and founder of The Morality Squad. She is a former PMRC member who got fed up with the filthy music put out by GWAR. She even went so far as to coat the cover of "Scumdogs of the Universe" with mind altering drugs, so we wouldn't get the full effect of the music. Used to be seen on crutches but now is confined to "the wheelchair of death." Died a horrible death, getting the skin ripped right off her body after having her wrinkled tits sucked by GWAR.
FATHER BOHAB:
A typical priest - 0ut to get GWAR ever since they exposed him for the child-molester that he is. Last seen getting his cross shoved up his ass (which he probably rather liked).
FLESH COLUM:
Skulhedface's giant monstrosity, pieced together from the bodies of the most horrible humans of all time, was his secret weapon in his fight against GWAR. With an appropriately named cock-pit, a turd throwing butt-cannon, a bile-spewing penis-like extension with the head of Adolf Hitler, and more body parts than Jeffery Dahmer's apartment, the Flesh Colum made short work of GWAR, leaving them defeated for Skulhed's nefarious schemes.
FLOPSY:
A.k.a. the Cunt-Faced Boy, Skulhed's faithful assistant. Using his deformed face, he seduced and lured Beefcake into the lair of Skulhed, who then proceeded to cut off Beefcake's face and use it as a trap for the rest of GWAR. As GWAR was getting their asses kicked, Flopsy (who was genuinely enamored with Beefcake) was coerced into giving Beef his face back and setting him free. Beefcake then proceeded to fist-fuck Flopsy's face, which was more than the poor lad could bear.
FRANK SINATRA:
The Chairman of the Broads, made up the other half of the "Misogynist Wrecking Crew" along with O.J. Simpson (cf.).
FUDGIES:
Mr. And Mrs. Fudgie, from when GWAR used to do a Toilet Summoning to conjure up something from a different realm ("the plane of Fudge"). Mr. Fudge looks like a huge turd with an eye on a tentacle.
GIANT MUTANT ANT:
A very early enemy, with a rather elaborate costume for the early days. Can be seen in the "GWAR Must Be Destroyed" film that is part of the "Return Of Techno Destructo" video available from Slave Pit, as well as the "Poor Ole Tom" video.
GOATIE:
A.k.a. The Radioactive Ram, partner of the Chernobyl Cockroach on the 1996 Wrestling Tour.
GOR-GOR:
In the basement of the temple of GWAR, the slaves found something that appeared to be a dinosaur egg. Slymenstra attempted to nuture the egg, but the other GWARriors had their way and fed him with dead babies and shot him up with crack. The enraged baby tyrannosaur burst forth from the egg and bit off a slave's hand, then escaped form the temple "to spread disease and hatred to an unknowing world." Oderus claims to be the father of the child, although Slymenstra refutes this. A full grown Gor-Gor later returned to destroy a city and fight GWAR, only to have a sword stuck through his head by Oderus. Techno Destructo later found Gor-Gor and resurrected him as the Cybernetic Gor Borg and tried to use him to fight GWAR again, only to have his creation turned against him when Slymenstra took control of his remote. It is said that Gor-Gor will return again soon.
Note: although not imortalized in song until "America Must be Destroyed", Gor-Gor is another early character in the GWAR mythos, appearing in crude form in shows prior to "Hell-o"!, in very early comics, and in the lyrics to AEIOU ("these are Gor-Gor's vowels").
GREY ALIENS:
On the "Ragnarok" tour, Oderus was confronted by a pair of Grey space aliens like we see on the X-Files and everywhere else these days. They came out with a big sperm sucking gun to gather the seed of Oderus Urungus, and proceeded to suck the Cuttlefish dry. Later, they returned and showered Slymenstra with the diseased semen, impregnating her with Oderus' child. Later, the pregnant Slymenstra was brought back out shackled down as the other band members proceeded to try to abort the child with a "knife in her guts" but it was then abducted by the grey aliens.
HHIIIMMMMM:
A dead maggoty baby using during performances of "Have You Seen Me?", widely rumored to be Oderus' boyfriend.
JERRY GARCIA:
Already embalmed by years of chemical intake, after his recent death old Jerry kept on making appearances at GWAR shows. Like many others so foolish to take the stage with GWAR, Jerry had his guts pulled out and his face ripped off.
LOG SUCKOFF:
Another Fudgie (cf.). This one has tentacles for hands, is green, has a Viking hat and a huge bears. It feeds pizzas to GWAR and has been known to defeat Cardinal Syn (cf.). It was modeled after El Duce (RIP, of the band The Mentors). The name seems to have been inspired by Lovecraft's Yog Soggoth.
MELVIN FLEEBISH (NOT 'SQUEMISH'):
The lucky, lucky contest winner (he wins all the time). Well, GWAR always makes sure he "gets what he fucking deserves". Looks like he wins another decapitation. Yippee.
MICHAEL JACKSON:
First seen on GWAR's 1995 tour, the King Of Pop dared to try to upstage GWAR with his break dancing showmanship. He then proceeded to reveal his massive once-black member and "beat it." Of course our favorite band of marauding space monsters proceeded to remove the offending organ from him (which shouldn't have been too much of a shock since we all know that he must have lost his balls years ago). They then ripped his face off and underneath was...a gray space alien?
NAZI SKINHEAD:
The second contestant on the famous game show "Slaughterama." Being the nice guys they are, GWAR noticed that the skinhead was growing a little peach-fuzz on his head. Well we can't have that, so Oderus decided to give him a haircut. Unfortunately, the razor slipped and cut his head off (whoops).
NUNS:
First seen protesting a GWAR concert with other various lowlifes. But GWAR manager Sleazy P. Martini set them straight. Bravely he walked out to confront the dangerous villains. "Are you in show business" he asked. "Why, no we're not" the elderly woman answered. "THEN GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE!!" with that (and a blast from his shotgun) he put a hole through one of the nuns. GWAR came to take care of the rest of them - decapitating them in a manner that would make you all proud.
O.J. SIMPSON:
He made his debut on the late 1995 Mid Galactic Wrestling Championship tour, as part of a tag team with Frank Sinatra. The bloodthirsty Juice must have been having flashbacks of Nicole, because he tried to hack away at GWAR's resident blonde, Slymenstra. Or course it didn't take long before GWAR beheaded him, showering the audience with orange juice.
OLLIE NORTH:
During some of the tag-team wrestling shows in 1988, GWAR Woman faced off against Ollie North at the beginning of the set.
PIG COP:
Since GWAR recognize no laws of man (or nature), the police often made an appearance at the shows on the "America Must be Destroyed" tour in the form of a fat pig-faced police officer (who would have made a good X-Cop) who shot his gun at them, but wound up having a mop handle shoved up his ass and was carried off the stage like a pig on a spit.
PRESTIGE:
The aforementioned techno band. When it was announced that GWAR would not be playing, they came out and started playing a droning techno song. Of course, before too long GWAR appeared and they wound up getting their heads smashed in with their keyboards and spraying the crowd with blood.
PRIVATE PARTS:
First seen giving Corporal Punishment a blow job, last seen getting thrown off a skyscraper by two GWAR slaves. This little pecker might look small but he sure gave Beefcake a good run for his money.
REDNECK FROM HELL:
Big, fat, beer-bellied, balding redneck who carries a shotgun. But why is he after GWAR? Well, it seems that Oderus stole his girlfriend/ daughter/ wife/ mother (incest y'know). Well since then he follows GWAR from show to show and sometimes jumps up on stage, trying to blow away poor Oderus. But fear not, the last time I seen him, Oderus chopped off the top of his head and ripped open his beer-belly to find...uh...a beer!
SKULHEDFACE:
Once the beautiful queen matriarch of a peaceful vegetarian planet, she was transformed into Skulhedface by Cardinal Syn and his holy warriors when they invaded her planet. Skulhed was sent to Earth by Syn to subjugate the developing world and harvest the Jizmogloben from its inhabitants, preparing the world for Syn's planned invasion. Throughout the centuries, Skulhed instigated wars to advance earth's technologies until the world was ready for domination. However, instead of saving the Jizmogloben for Syn, Skulhed became addicted to it and its power, and secretly began plotting to overthrow Syn by using the powerful Jizmogloben of GWAR. Skulhed used his assistant Flopsy and his creation The Flesh Colum to defeat GWAR and rob them of their Jizmogloben using a contraption called the Homogenizer. GWAR managed to trick Skulhed into giving them their Jiz back, and then proceded to rape her to death.
SLASH (OR AN INCREDIBLE SIMULATION):
How dare that Guns-n-Roses superstar just walk on stage and start showing off to us GWAR fans? Luckily we were spared from listening to him for too long, as Oderus ripped his face off.
STUBBO:
A.k.a. Stubbles, leader of the GWAR fanclub, who gets disemboweled all the time.
TARANTULINA:
A hot looking weightlifter Scumdog chick, also to be seen on the "Return of Techno Destructo" video. She's a Scumdog that has been sent by the Master to check up on Techno Destructo's progress and see why he has failed to return GWAR to the Master's army.
TECHNO DESTRUCTO:
(a.k.a.: gay-bot, transformer-ass wannabe)
Arch enemy of GWAR: Served with GWAR in the Masters 3rd Scumdog Legion. Used to be two cyborgs sharing the same name, but has since split into two personalities: Techno Destucto and Bozo Destructo (played by Don Drakulich a.k.a. "Sleazy"). Hell-bent on forcing GWAR to become good guys, but they usually end up kicking the shit out of each other instead: trying to decide who has the Masters permission to destroy GWAR! They drink Multi-Lube, jerk off to Popular Mechanic and come from way past Uranus. Techno is armed with a huge mechanical claw while Bozo attacks with what seems to be a giant meat tenderizer.
After the two split, Techno became even more obsessed with power. He confronted GWAR and made them an offer: He suggested they team up and take over the universe. When GWAR refused, Techno decided if they shall die. After a long battle, Techno was finally disarmed and was forced to become a slave to GWAR.
TIMMY THE TALKING TOILET (A.K.A. TOI-TOI):
Timmy the talking toilet is a new device that GWAR brought in to spew out various enemies to kill, suddenly at the end of each show. Cardinal Syn bursts out of Timmy to reveal his true form.
TINY:
Mutated nephew of Granbo. A nuclear mutation of two men, this guy packs a powerful punch. He has a weak spot though - he can be sliced right down the middle, but then you'll have to fight two of them.
WORLD MAGGOT:
Inside the earth lay the enormous world maggot. GWAR hatched a scheme to harvest the souls of their fans to wake the maggot, so they could ride back into the stars upon its back and escape this insufferable mudball planet. Unfortunately for them, when the maggot awoke they were busy defeating Skulhedface, and the maggot flew off into the stars without them. The maggot also manages to make an appearance in their stage show at the end, as the band feeds them with female fans from the crowd, but when it starts attacking the band members they hack it into pieces like everything else.
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